*Disclaimer: I wrote this around 3 weeks ago but went back and forth on whether to publish and share. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide anything. I was actually almost ashamed that I wasn’t able to handle what was going on in my life. A sense of control has been my constant nemesis throughout my life, and this is a great example of that relationship. Anyway, today I decided to share so here you go.
Yes, I know that I am the worst blogger ever. But lately I seem to have writer’s block, or maybe I should call it partial exhaustion. I’ve also been dealing with something that I have never really had to do with in the past, anxiety. Everyone knows that I have been through a lot of, for lack of a better word, crap. And I believe that I have handled it all pretty well. So now that things have calmed down a bit and I’m cancer-free, divorced, and living a pretty good life, I’m starting to have bouts of anxiety. What the heck? Isn’t this supposed to be when I’m living my best life? I started feeling it a couple weeks ago and after a couple of episodes figured out that it was basically the calm after the storm. I have been through a hurricane of events, but I had to keep trudging along and never got to stop and actually deal with what I was feeling. Now when life is extremely busy, but seemingly calm in comparison to the past couple of years, I have to slow down and deal with emotions that I had ignored.
I made it through the storm and now I just want to keep going, just keep those emotions in that box that they sat so nicely in for the past two and a half years. I don’t like this feeling at all. Anyone that knows me knows that I like to remain in control. and I have had too many moments in the past two-and-a-half years where I had no control. But at least I was a control of how I dealt with what was being thrown at me, including the emotions that I dealt with and how I expressed my coping ability. Now, I don’t seem to be having that same feeling of control over my emotions, and I don’t like it! My best coping mechanism has always been to keep extremely busy. Albeit, probably not the most healthy coping mechanism, it has worked for me for the most part.
Now, it’s not working! At times I find myself feeling sad and tearful for no reason at all. I also have times when I’m worried about everything, even though there’s not that much to worry about other than the obvious, such as the cancer coming back, etc. And truthfully, the cancer is not scaring me. I’m really trying to live my best life and spend my time wisely and fruitfully because I have definitely learned that you can’t take time for granted. So, what is it? Unfortunately, I believe it’s almost a form of PTSD. You are all my friends and I have shared with you the ups and the downs of the past couple of years, but I cannot begin to express the emotions that were linked to all of those events. At the time, I wasn’t even dealing with some of the emotions. There were things that happened to me that are hard to even write down, but I shared most of them as if they were just a story that I was telling. I did the same thing after I moved away from my mother. I could tell my childhood story with very little emotion, almost as if I was reading from a story book. It was only when I went through therapy that I finally dealt with the emotions connected to the abuse that I had suffered. Now, I feel the same thing happening but this time it’s presenting itself in bouts of anxiety, which I truly despise.
Hey, at least I keep it interesting. I’m never going to be one of those instagrammers or bloggers that has the perfect life or family. I’m going to be the one that is always a holy mess in some way or another. Yeah, I keep it together and do my job well, raise my son right, work hard to better myself, etc etc, and yet I’m still a big ball of mess😳. At least I have the sense to know that all those ‘perfect people’ are not really perfect. I think that’s one of the reasons that I share so much of the unperfect stuff with you.
Thank you for always listening and showing support no matter where I am in this roller coaster of life. I am honestly doing better now but I wanted to show that not every day is good. Some days, we just get by and that’s okay. I resolved a while back to slow down each day and reflect on what I have gone through and for what I am grateful. It seems as if we are always rushing to the next thing or day… I can’t wait for Christmas or I can’t wait for summer or I can’t wait until my son walks or talks or drives, etc. etc. I am trying to live in the moment and not rush the days, no matter how hectic or chaotic they are. Is it an easy? Not always. But is it worth it, yes!